Questions & Answers
Answered Questions:
| 23/7/2010 | | Q: I am an 19 year old (bisexual) male and I don't know whether to come out to my parents/family or not. I am unsure of whether my parents care or not or whether or not they already know. I am not the sort of person to talk to them about personal matters, should that matter now that I have a boyfriend, or that I am indeed bisexual? In a way I don't really want the status quo to change. | | A: It depends on how you want to live your life. Most people end up coming out so they can live their life without having to live a lie and avoid keeping secrets. It makes them feel like they are being true to themselves as well as others. Even if you don't talk to your parents about personal matters you may like to be able to introduce your boyfriend as who he really is. In fact, he may like that as well rather than having to pretend he is just a friend when he is someone more important to you. You might like to read "Because I love you", a pdf on our resources page that discussed the issue of coming out and gives some very good advice. Good luck with your decision. |
| 22/7/2010 | | Q: please help me i am a mother of a gay son who is 19 i love him more than life it self i cannot stop thinking about the HIV factor it is in my head all the time i panic i cry my self to sleep most nights at the thought of loosing him to this disease i have done a lot of research on the matter but nothing makes me feel any better it just takes one time and that is what i am so scared about i cannot talk out loud about my prob as not to frighten him or my other son so who do i talk these fears over with that really is taking over my life at the moment. | A: In reality, gay men can live happy, healthy lives but they do need to take precautions and it is far better that your son has a reminder of this that letting it go and regretting it later. You need to be calm and know the facts when you speak to him though or it will become a cause for tension between you which will not help the situation at all.
Try getting in touch with Vic Aids to discuss this on (03) 9865 6700 or 1800 134840 or email about their course for young gay men which would educate your son and may help to ease your concerns.
Young and Gay is a coming out workshop for guys aged 18 to 26. It gives young guys a chance to connect with other young guys, to build their social network, share their coming out experience, learn about relationship and sex, and an opportunity to find out more about the gay scene and of course having fun along the way. For more information e-mail youthproject@vicaids.asn.au
Once you are more aware of the facts and know a course of action, you will be able to talk to your son openly and calmly.
It is far better to discuss your concerns with someone who knows and then with your son than allow it to dominate your life like it seems to be doing. Good luck! |
| 20/7/2010 | | Q: I am a proud parent of a teenage gay, who was very proud of who who was! he unfortunately took his life recently, leaving me a note, saying "he wasn't made for this crazy fucked up world". This has been very hard on his family & many friends left to wonder why? my concern is that his sister may also be gay and I'm worried about how she feels because of what has happened to her brother, they were very close to each other, I have tried to talk to her but she tells me she's OK & not to worry about her, she is seeing a youth counselor for loss & grief, she may also be discussing her sexuality, It's personal of course, I was wondering if I could ring & just inquire from the counselor if there is anything I need to be aware of, as in my concerns for my daughter and how to approach the subject? | A: Our deepest sympathy for your loss. It is very sad to hear of young people taking their own life.
It is understandable that you would be worried about your daughter and good to know that she is receiving grief counseling. It is likely that the counselor is keeping a close eye on your daughter and you could certainly call and ask to voice your concerns but as you seem to be aware, confidentiality is important in these situations. No-one would go to counselors if they simply divulged information to others when asked. However, as a parent just having a chat to state your concerns may be OK. The problem you may have is that if your daughter finds out she may see it as a breech of trust or that you are interfering. Tread carefully. |
| 19/7/2010 | | Q: I have known that my son is gay for over 3 years now (he is 24). Over time I have talked to family and close friends about this - always with many tears on the first occasion. I now feel that it is time that I discussed this with my mother but i am am having difficulty raising the issue. She is 83 and has some (recently diagnosed)significant health issues to deal with, and is also the carer of my father. I have talked to my 2 sisters about this and while they haven't told me not to have this discussion with our mother, they have asked "does she need to know?" My son is now comfortable with who he is and feels he shouldn't have to hide this issue. I am torn between both. Any advice? | | A: It is always a difficult decision whether to tell elderly relatives however many of us at PFLAG had done so after much soul searching, and with trepidation, only to find that they have taken it very well. Like we parents, grandparents have an unconditional love for their grandchildren and very few would shun them when they find out that they are gay. It may come as a shock to them and they are most likely uneducated in this area but they are still capable of learning and understanding and we have heard stories of grandparents speaking up in support of gays amongst their peers when jokes or derogatory remarks are made. It would probably be a good idea to arm yourself with some reading material first that you can leave with your mum so she can understand. If you would like any booklets posted out to you please use the email address on 'Contact Us' page or at the bottom of this page and send your postal address so we can post them out to you. |
| 15/7/2010 | Q: We are international students from Russia (we are lesbians)and want to marry.
We wish to register our relationship.
Considered whether such a marriage valid in Australia?
| A: Marriage between same-sex couples is not legal in Australia. Some states allow civil unions and registration of relationships but marriage is still being opposed by our government despite over 60% of Australians being in favour of it.
You can read more about this by going to www.australianmarriageequality.com |
| 13/5/2010 | | Q: My 18 yr old daughter is gay, and I support and love her unconditionally. The only problem is that she has decided to move out with another 18 year old girl who has a three month baby. My daughter wants to work fast food to support this girl and her baby. I cannot say anything negative because if I do it pushes my daughter even further away. I don't believe this girl is gay....she just needs someone to help with her baby. HELP | | A: Unfortunately this is one of those frustrating situations we have to deal with as parents. Your daughter is an adult and will make up her own mind about this situation. In due course she will probably get tired of being used and it will all end...no doubt in tears. As a parent, all we can do is be there for our kids when they make mistakes and give them our unconditional love. Good luck! |
| 8/5/2010 | Q: How do you support a young person who has come out, first telling his psychologist after two years of counseling (anxiety), then his mum that he is gay but sadly has told his mum he doesn't want to be gay. He has lived with anxiety now for a couple of years and has refused to go back to school since the beginning of year nine. He was bullied at school and called poofter etc the usual nonsense kids come out with.
His mum and many of us have known since he was a young boy that he is gay and love him for whom he is. His sexuallity is not an issue he 's a very intelligent, sensitive 16 year old delightful teenager. his father has said its not a concern if he is gay although I'm not sure whether he's been informed as yet.How sad it is that he does not want to be gay stated to his mother - I never asked to be born this way, its not my choice. Any opinions, ideas on how to make it easier for him to come to terms with being gay?
Of all the young gay people I've have met throughout my life they are out and proud. This is new to me.
| A: It sounds like this young man has still a long way to go to come to terms with who he is.Has he been given any resources to read, anyone in the gay community to talk to? Coming to terms with his sexuality will take time but a start would be to provide as much reading material that deals with this as possible and perhaps, when he is up to it, talking to other gay young people. There is a lot of support out there - look at our links page and download some of the resources from our resource page also for him. He and his mother/parents would be welcome at a PFLAG meeting which may also help him; we often have one or more gay people there who are great to talk to. A different school might be the best option if there is one close by.
Best of luck in helping this young man. He is lucky to have a support network around him such as you have described. |
| 22/4/2010 | Q: I'm a 47 year old straight man who is interested in joining P Flag.
I have a friend who is Bi-Sexual but I don't have any children of my own.
am I still able to join? | | A: PFLAG is for parents, families AND friends of lesbians, bisexual, gay, transgender, etc people so you would be welcome! |
| 21/4/2010 | Q: Hi
My 14yo daughter is gay and I am totally supportive of her. My question is should we openly discuss this with her sibling who is 10yo. I do not want to hide it but I am not sure if a 10yo will understand. Also do the meetings include all family i.e. sibling, parents and the gay members or just parents?
| A: Many of our members have dealt with younger family members knowing about their gay child. Usually, it is like most things with children in that they only need to know the basics as their level of comprehension is less mature. Just saying that your daughter has a girlfriend if that is the case and explaining that she likes girls instead of boys is usually enough.
Our meetings are for any family members and friends although a child of 10 might be a bit young to be involved in some of the discussions and would probably be better coming when she is older. |
| 16/4/2010 | Q: My 21 year old daughter has had feelings for two women, neither of whom were gay. My daughter is not saying she is gay, she is very confused about her feelings. She has had one relationship with a man and has had sex with several other men. So far her feelings are one-sided and not divulged to the women. It sounds like a 'crush' to me. I have suggested she talk to someone professionally, she is hesitant about doing this, but I don't know what to say to her. I've told her it makes no difference to me if she is gay. I just want to help her through this phase.
Can you suggest somewhere for her to go, when she decides to. We are in Victoria. | A: She can contact WIRE - Women's Information by phone: (03) 9921 0888
Email: inforequests@wire.org.au
or visit their webpage: www.wire.org.au |
| 25/3/2010 | | Q: My husband and I have just split up as he is gay. I am 29. We've been together since we were 17, and married for about 3.5 yrs. We are still great friends and hope to stay that way forever. I'm still very confused and thought that talking to people who've been through this may help. I was wondering if your support group would be suitable for me, or if you can recommend any support groups in Melbourne for wifes that this has happened to. | A: You might like to get in touch with Women Partners of Gay/Bisexual Men by phone:
(03)98265452 or 0403 445 125
Email: lindamidalia@hotmail.com
You are welcome to attend our meetings but mostly we are parents and don't often have partners (of gays) so we may not be as helpful to you. |
| 24/3/2010 | | Q: Hi i m an indian and i have recently told my mom that i m gay... i want her to speak to some parent who speak same native language... she is not able to understand that how come i m gay.. she thinks i am sick and i need some sort of treatment. i urgently need some help. | A: We do not know of any parents who are Indian for your mother to talk to at the moment. We can put you in touch with one of our gay members who is Indian who may be able to help you through this though.
If you are interested in talking to him, please email us using the Contact Us link below and we will refer your email onto him so you can talk. |
| 20/3/2010 | Q: Hello,
My 25 year old son broken up with his long term girl friend, stating that he thinks he is Bisexual. I am very worried about him because he has Asperger's syndrome (high functioning autism) and is extremely impulsive and struggles to understand consequential behaviours. He has already started taking risks via the internet and I am just so worried that he is going to get himself into a situation he can't handle. Please understand I have no problem with him being gay, but I am scared that he is going to jump from female partner to male without thought of how his actions will affect himself or others. Do you know of anywhere I can get advice for him and me in veiw of his disability and sexuality.
Thank you | A: We don't really know of a suitable agency for your situation. You could try calling the Gay and Lesbian Switchboard
Phone: (03) 9663 2939 or 1800 184 527
and they may be able to refer you to someone. Good luck! |
| 14/3/2010 | Q: Hi
My 18 year old daughter is gay, can anyone suggest how she can meet other nice girls at places other than Connections, we live in Perth.
Thankyou | | A: She could try one of the online dating sites like the Pink Lounge. Pink Sofa or Pink Lounge |
| 12/3/2010 | Q: I'm 19, and today my parents confrontationaly confronted me and my girlfriend about being gay. When we admitted we were and had a discussion between my parents and her own both set of parents immediate reaction was how sick and wrong our behaviour is and how we should just stop "being gay".
After some time my parents did calm down and are willing to accept my sexuality and life choices even if they don't agree. However my dad isn't able to understand why my girlfriend and I won't publicly declare our relationship, he see's it as unhealthy.
How can I make them understand that my homosexual feelings are not controllable, and that publicly coming out is a process we both need to be ready for, we've just had the people we love the most tell us its sick and wrong how is the rest of the world going to react? | | A: You might try to get them to read some of the resources on our website to help them understand. You can download and print off the pdf files on our Resources page. Even better would be to encourage them to attend a PFLAG meeting where they will have access to more information via books and talking to other parents who have been through similar situations. |
| 11/3/2010 | Q: What is the legal age for a lesbian to have sex in Canberra as my 16 yr old girl is in a relationship with another girl?
| | A: There are no laws regarding female-female age of consent in the ACT. |
| 3/3/2010 | Q: Hi
My 23 year old daughter has recently come out as being gay. I don't have an issue with this at all and have totally embraced her sexuality and her girlfriend into my home. I attended the Pride march with them in February and joined in the celebrations on the beachfront. Was actually very refreshing to see so many people from all walks of life socializing in such harmony.
Next year I would like to march with Pflag to show my support to my daughter and to encourage those in our community that may have issues with this lifestyle.
Even though I don't need help in acceptance, is there a place for me within your organisation, to possibly assist others in acceptance? I don't know. Is this group only for those who have issues?
Amanda
| A: Hi,
We are glad you don't have any problems accepting your lesbian daughter and we agree it was great to see everyone joining in the celebrations at Pride March. We would love to see you at one of our meetings; we need parents who have come to this acceptance also to support new parents and would welcome your contributions. Please email via Contact Us below if you need a personal answer otherwise we look forward to meeting you soon! |
| 22/2/2010 | | Q: I have 26 year old son who has just told me he is gay,i have never been so devestated in all my life,and was told to check this site as it supports parents? im disgusted to see you give parents no hope of change regardless of some kids being so young and that the only thing that you seemto be supporting is homosexuallity ! | A: Our advice is based on many years of accumulated experience and on the results of research which concluded some time ago that although we are not exactly sure why some people are homosexual (approximately 10% of population is estimated) they cannot change that just by trying not to be. Just as most heterosexual people cannot change being attracted to the opposite sex/gender so gay people cannot change being attracted to the same gender.
Not only has science proven this after many years of inhumane shock treatment by some organisations but many religious groups have now accepted gay people into their congregation because they accept the facts also and realise that being gay does not equate to being a bad person. In fact, homosexuality is just a small part of who they are and they should not be discriminated against because of this.
At PFLAG our motto is "Keeping Families Together" and we are proud to say that over the years we have done just that by educating parents and helping them to realise that their child's sexuality does not change them from the person they are with the same strengths and lovable characteristics they had before we knew they were gay. We accept that due to society's intolerance they may face a difficult life with some inequality in rights and even hatred but we know from experience that they can lead happy, fulfilling lives and we are always deeply saddened when we meet wonderful, caring people who have been rejected by their parents/families on the grounds of their sexuality.
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| 18/2/2010 | | Q: Hi, my 19 years old son come out to me year ago. I still love him very much, I tried to accept him and want to support him in the best ways so I learn and read about everything book about the boys adolescent and manhood and also all information about homosexuality.I come from moslem and eastern culture so it is very difficult for me to cope with this situation. Could you help me to meet and talk with the family or person which is in the same or similar circumstances and can I just come to the next meeting which I assume will be on 23th of February. | A: It sounds like you are making a big effort to understand your son's sexuality and accept him which is great.
We certainly can help you meet others and we would love to see you at our next meeting on 23rd February. See the Contact Us page for details. If you would like someone to phone you or email directly before that time you can use our Contact Us email address to let us know your contact information detailing a convenient time to phone if necessary.
We look forward to meeting you. |
| 28/1/2010 | | Q: Hello. I have recently discovered that my 18 year old daughter has had lesbian relations, but has never had sex with a boy. I'm very confused and sad. I don't want to make a mistake of pushing my daughter away, but I don't think its fair that I should be expected to accept this and I'm scared that if I show her support I'm encouraging her to continue on this path, which I believe is wrong and a mistake. What will I do. I cant stop crying. | | A: Your daughter's sexuality will not be influenced by your reactions. If she is a lesbian or bisexual then that is what she is but she has to work that out for herself. For some people, it seems it is not so clear cut as for others and they need time to work out their feelings. Your support for your daughter whatever the outcome are what will help her to be a happy girl with a good relationship with her parent. Please read the Sexuality is not a Choice and Making Sense booklets on our website to help you understand what your daughter may be going through. It will take time to come to terms with if your daughter is lesbian especially if you feel so negatively about it but in order to retain a good relationship with her and not push her away, you should try to understand it by becoming educated in this matter. |
| 6/1/2010 | | Q: Hey, I'm a 16 year old gay male who came out to their family (mother and sister) and who is out to close friends also. There is no problem with my friends they are wholeheartedly accepting and comfortable with the topic. I know my family accepts me, there was some shock on my mother's part, and she expressed her concern for my safety and happiness, but did say she loved me no matter what. The only problem is that there is this awkwardness whenever homosexuality is mentioned, or when someone trips and says eg:"well, when your married". I mean it doesn't offend me, but it just feels like making reference to my sexuality in day to day life feels like coming out again and again. I don't know if my mum is just awkward about talking about my sexuality as her son in general, for she has no problem with me being gay, we have both reconciled and came to accept our christian faiths with my homosexuality. I just ask you, is there anything I can do to make it easier, to communicate it when necessary with an awkwardness so strange between people so close. I was so accepted because of the fact I am close with my mother and sister, and they love me for who I am which did not change along with their assumption of my sexual orientation. I love our relationship, and wish the awkwardness to go, an awkwardness that is not present in any other element of post-coming out life and conversation. Thankyou | | A: It takes time and it sounds like your mum and maybe you also need more of it to really come to terms with feeling comfortable discussing issues around your sexuality and homosexuality in general. Have you provided your mother with any resources so she can read about it or mentioned PFLAG to her as a place to call or go to discuss how she is feeling? It may be beneficial to do so. First off, either download some of our resources on this website for her to read or email or phone us and we can send you the Making Sense booklet via post. If your mother would like to call or email also, one of our parent volunteers would be happy to talk to her. Tell her the phones are not answered by a person but she will need to leave a message and contact number and we can call her back. In most cases we find when parents learn more and speak to others who are in the same situation ie. parents of gay people, they find it easier to communicate with their own child. You are all welcome to come to one of our meetings also if you can. You will get lots of support and meet other parents and gay people there in a relaxed, friendly atmosphere. We hope to hear from you soon if you feel we can help. |
| 5/1/2010 | | Q: Does gayness run in families. In my husbands family there are 5 siblings, 2 sisters are lesbian and one brother is gay. More than half of siblings are gay, is this normal. Myself, my husband and my parent in law are having a hard time dealing with so many gay children in the family. Also my gay bro in law lives with us and constantly uses my computer to look at gay porn, even though I have asked him many times not to do so. My husband and myself are trying hard to be accepting to them being gay, however when we stumble across his gay porn and it is right in your face, we feel disgusted and angry and wish that they all will be straight. | A: From our experience and from what you can read online and in books on the subject, it appears to be not too 'abnormal' or unusual. Scientists are still trying to determine what genetic factor (gay gene) causes some people to be gay but haven't really found anything definite.
Your problem with your brother in law is one you could have even if he were straight and should be dealt with in just the same way. If he does not respect your wishes about using your computer then just don't let him use it! It is inappropriate to find porn of any sort on your computer whether it is gay or straight. You need to take a stand.
As for your parents-in-law; they probably need some help from an organisation such as ours. You could start by downloading some of the information we have in the Resources section of this site for them then once they have had a chance to read them, suggest a call to PFLAG. They may eventually want to attend a meeting and might need your support when they do. If you/they live in the Melbourne area then we would be only too pleased to meet you/them and share our resources and support. |
| 2/12/2009 | | Q: My 20 year old son has recently told me that he is gay. I have always suspected this, regardless I am devastated by the news, however I am supportive and love him dearly. My concern is that he told me he has been in a relationship for a year with a 35 year old divorced man with three children. I am very concerned by the age gap and the different stages they are at in their lives. In addition, the older man cannot disclose for work reasons that he is gay, so my son "is a secret" Thank you. | | A: This is by no means an unusual situation in the gay community from our experience; many of us have had to cope with our sons being involved with an older man and it is a difficult thing to deal with. He will eventually move on and probably meet someone closer to his own age but it seems to be like a mentoring role that older men provide when young men first come out. The secret part of this situation is the most difficult thing and it makes the relationship seem somewhat illicit and unfair to your son but he is a man and you will have to stand back since it is his decision to remain in this relationship for the moment. However, be ready to support him when things change as he will need your support not judgement or criticism. That is the job of a parent, to love unconditionally. |
| 30/11/2009 | | Q: I have recently learned that my 45 year old married daughter has been in a gay relationship with a married woman for two years. Each have two children, their ages ranging from 11 down to 7. My daughters husband fully understand the situation and they have committed to stay together for the sake of the children and assure me they are able to make this work because of their deep friendship, and shared interests. My daughters partner however cannot/will not allow her husband to know because she fears he is not emotionally stable enough to handle it and she fears she would lose her sons. My daughter has been selective in whom she has come out to but is not willing to tell her father who lives overseas, for fear of his judgement or her siblings who are here. Having been made privy to this whole new "construct" within the family and sworn to secrecy I personally feel caught up in a bad nightmare! I adore my daughter and wish to be supportive but cannot help but see this as a disaster waiting to happen as the two families are very close and my daughter is held in very high esteem by her partners husband! How best to handle this? She likes to talk to me about her relationship and has asked to visit when she and her partner are in town. I have explained that it is hard for me to come to terms with the situation because of the complexities and the secrecy. I would celebrate her/their happiness otherwise. I hope you can help facilitate a better perspective on all of this! Thanks. | | A: You do indeed appear to be caught up in a difficult situation. Whilst your daughter has the advantage of sharing her secret with you, it forces you into your own private closet. You have to lie by omission to your family about her which can cause feelings of guilt in you. Until your daughter and her new partner come out to more people, it will be extremely difficult for all concerned. Many people who are being deceived in this situation will feel very hurt and angry when it finally comes out which no doubt it will eventually. It may be better for your daughter and her partner to start planning how best they can tell the others to limit the hurt rather than hoping that day will never come. In the long run, they will be much happier. |
| 30/11/2009 | | Q: Can you point me in the direction for resources/books etc that can be helpful for the older generation parents.(say 60+) Coming out in your 30's and 40's is also difficult to explain to the parents - any literature to give them that might help would be GREAT! | | A: The Making Sense Booklet we have in our Resources section in pdf format should help and also the other documents there such as "Sexuality is not a Choice" We have other books available to borrow at our regular meetings but there is not another one now until the 4th Tuesday in January. |
| 15/11/2009 | | Q: Hi, I am a 50yo single mother who became involved with another single mum 5 months ago. Neither of us have had a relationship with a female before, but we love each other very much and both feel we have found our life partners. My partner's daughter is 5 and seems to accept our relationship. However, my 10yo daughter does not. She is constantly trying to drive a wedge between us. She liked my partner a lot before we became involved and moved in together, but keeps on telling me she wants things to go back the way they used to be, i.e. just me and her. Prior to my current relationship, I had basically not been with anyone since my daughter's birth. Thus, I think some of her jealousy would exist even if my partner was a male. However, I do know that she has been the brunt of some teasing at school due to the fact that my partner is another woman. Do you have any advice, or can you direct me to any useful websites or support groups? Thank you. | | A: You might like to try Rainbow Families - they are listed on our Links page and have a support e-group that may have some members who have had similar experiences. Best of Luck! |
| 15/11/2009 | | Q: Hi, I am a mother of a girl who has just turned 15. I beleive that she is gay. She has not come out and told me but there have been a lot of indicators. 18 months a go she was the victim of a 22 woman who likes to have relationships with 12 -13 yo girls. My daughter was totally messed up by this person and the consequences, it has also had a profound impact on our family. Not because she was a female, but that she was a predator. Because of this experience there has been a lot of negative talk (not in the family) about lesbians. This I beleive has caused her to feel ashamed and scared to be who she really is. I told my daughter about a year ago that it was okay to be gay if she felt she was, that upset her terribly and she said that she wasn't gay. My daughter is not happy, she is very angry and negative, in trouble at school for fighting and abusing teachers and she self harms, but she will not have counselling. Could you please give some ideas on supporting and helping her through all this ? | | A: Your daughter may wrongly believe that she has been 'turned gay' by the woman that preyed on her. Maybe you can download some of our resources, read them and talk with her about them so that she is clear that if she is gay, that is how she was before and it is OK. The Making Sense booklet and Sexuality is not a Choice may be helpful to you. Please take a look at them and good luck with your daughter. |
| 1/11/2009 | | Q: I believe my daughter is gay. What troubles me the most is that she hasn't told me about it, and I don't know whether to mention it or not. It is like the elephant in the lounge room. Is it any of my business? Should I ask her about it? I would never reject her. | | A: Your daughter needs to be ready to come out and it should be her decision when she does. But sometimes some casual comments when the opportunity arises showing your support for gay issues such as the current one on Equal Marriage might spark some discussion between you. You could make it clear during these talks that you would never reject your child if they were gay. It takes time; be patient and she will come out when she is feeling comfortable and has maybe tested the water with regard to the reaction she may receive. |
| 19/10/2009 | | Q: What is the legal age for a girl to have sex with another girl? | A: Information which comes from the Legal Aid site (http://www.legalaid.vic.gov.au/745.htm) states:
"The law in Victoria says if you are:
* under 10: no-one can have sex with you or touch you sexually or perform a sexual act in front of you (even if you agree)
* 10 to 15: a person can’t have sex with you, touch you sexually or perform a sexual act in front of you if they are more than two years older than you, even if you agree. However, it is not an offence if the person honestly believed that there was less than a two-year age difference between you.
* 16 or 17: no-one who is caring for you or supervising you, like a teacher, youth worker or foster carer, can have sex with you or sexually touch you or perform a sexual act in front of you, even if you agree, unless they are married to you. However, it is not an offence if the person honestly believed you were 18 or older.
An older person can be charged with a sexual offence if they perform a sexual act that breaks these age limits, even if you agree to it. No adult can have an ongoing sexual relationship with you if you are under 16, unless they are legally married to you."
Similar laws apply in all states of Australia. |
| 27/9/2009 | Q: Hi there, i'm a 14 year old female living in Melbourne. I've pretty much known i am gay since i was around 12 years old. It took me a while to come out to my friends and tell them how i'm feeling, but i've done it and they've all been really accepting.
MY LITTLE DILEMA IS, coming out to my family. I know for a fact MOST of my family wouldn't have a problem with my sexuality (except for my grandparents) so coming out to the shouldn't realy be a problem.
The only thing i worry about is them assuming it is a phase, and not taking me seriously. And yes, i know i am fairly young and what not, so i think it would be difficult for them to understand how i'm feeling without patronizing me.
I have a strong feeling that my mother might know already just considering the way i dress, the people i hang out with and the fact i never make comments about hot guys, only pretty girls ;D haha.
OKAY so to sum it all up, my question is, should i wait until i'm a little older to come out to my family?
I don't really like sneaking around behind my mums back because we used to be really close...not so much anymore though. AND it's getting harder and harder to be with people without getting caught.
SOYESS! a little advice would be appreciated xD
thank you :) | | A: From our experience, many people know they are gay by your age. It is entirely up to you when you come out to your family. It is you who has to be ready and feel comfortable with it but remember that although you think your family will be OK, it could still take time for them to come to terms with. Make sure you have information for them to read and invite them to attend the PFLAG meetings with you. That will be a good start to getting the communication and understanding going between you. Good luck! |
| 27/9/2009 | | Q: Hi, I'm a 17 year-old girl and at the start of this year I finally started to come to terms with my sexuality. I've been attending a support group every week and I am now very confident, comfortable and proud of the fact that I like girls. I've also been coming out to some people at school and attending gay events. Recently however, i came out to my my parents. They took it better than I thought they would but I think they are still in the processing stage. They forbade me to tell even one more person - literally telling me that I was not allowed to tell anymore people until I was older (maybe 20-24 years) and i know for sure that I only like girls. I told them I am always open for change in my sexuality in the future, but right now I feel gay. But I think they are just hoping this is a phase I will get over, which I don't think it is. Also, while I know they are processing still, I'm quite sure their feelings on me coming out will stay the same. I know I should give them more time,but I would really like to come out at school and start a support group next year. It is what would make me feel comfortable and happy and I feel like it is the right time for me, yet if I do this I know my parents will hate me. I feel like I have to choose between doing what's right for me and making them feel comfortable. Do you have any advice? How much say do you think parents should have in their child's coming out? Is it wrong to choose myself over their wishes? And is there anyway I can make me coming out easier for them (because even thought they don't understand this completely, i do love them dearly)? Thankyou so much!! =) | | A: This is a difficult situation but one that many people face. Although you are comfortable with your sexuality, your parents still have to get there. Try giving them any information you have on sexuality to read. We have some in our Resources section that you can download which may be helpful too. If you are in Melbourne, you may be able to bring them to a PFLAG meeting where they can talk to other parents to help them come to terms with this news. |
| 19/9/2009 | Q: Hi,
i'm a 19 yr old female, who's parents have recently found a piece of paper in my room, and from this they have concluded i am gay. To be bluntly honest i do not feel my sexuality is the issue in these circumstances. But this piece of paper was taken from my room, photocopied and hidden in a draw... i was never told until many months later... when my mother had a brief health scare and thought she was dying. I was shocked to think my parents would do this, but more shocked to hear they did this on the advice of a councelor... they will not tell me why the councilor advised this or what counciling service they used... I guess my question is: has anyone had a similar experience and know the reason why anyone would be advised this? I feel its just broken the trust between me and my parents and it seems talking to them about my sexuality in a civil way is no longer an option... I would just like to know why any councilor would advise this... or if in fact they would. | A: We don't know of anyone who has had a similar experience and have no idea why your parents would have been advised this way.
Perhaps in time, you and your parents can talk about it when things have settled down. Having some information available would be helpful in order to assist them to understand more about sexuality. Please refer to the Resources we have available on this site.
At PFLAG we feel that keeping families together is important and worth working on even if it takes some time. Good luck in closing the rift between you and your parents. |
| 17/9/2009 | | Q: Hi, I am a teenage gay male who has just recently come out to my grandma and several friends. i live with my grandma and it has been quite a shock for her as she never suspected i might be gay. she is the only one in my family who knows that i am gay. she is in denial and doesn't believe im gay. thankfully she is not mad. she does think that while it isn't a choice initially to be gay she does think that it is a choice later on. in other words she thinks its a phase. any advice on how to help her through this(i know it might sound weird considering that im the gay). also like i said she is the only one in the family who knows. i dont have any proof or anything but i strongly suspect that the rest of the family could be seriuosly homophobic. this is complicated by the fact that the family including my grandma and myself are all christians. any advice on how to let them know too? | | A: You might like to download and print out for your grandma some of the resources we have available which, if she reads them, may help her to understand more about homosexuality. She could also try calling our support line to talk to someone about this. It can be very helpful to speak to others who have gone through similar experiences. Of course, you are both welcome to attend our family meeting on the fourth Tuesday of each month as well where you can speak in person to other parents. Check our Contact Us page for details. |
| 12/9/2009 | | Q: I was reading some of your questions and answers today and was really touched about the loving and caring in the responses. I am a 32 year old female that has a gay father. My dad came out to me when I was 23, but I probably suspected that he was gay from around the age of 15. I love my dad and we are very close. I am thinking about coming to one of your meetings. I would also like to be a contact person for people like the writer's friend in the December 2008 article that have gay parents as I haven't been able to find a specific support group targeted to that group. | | A: Thank-you for your kind words and your offer to be a contact person for others with gay parents. We look forward to meeting you and talking about it at one of our meetings. |
| 31/8/2009 | Q: Hi our 12 year old son (only child) has always played with girls. Being very articulate he has gravitated to girls since an early age. He has always liked to wear colourful clothes and dress up and wear his hair a bit longer than the other boys. He has a great sense of humour and great drama skills which has always attracted the girls. We have let him be who he is and encouraged him to wear what he likes and to be himself. He has been called 'gay' at school by both boys and girls on numerous occasions. He is now in grade 6 and is the Captain of his school. However, the girls who were once his friends have changed and are no longer accepting of his differences, calling him Gay and excluding him from 'girls' conversations. He is really hurt when they call him this and now gets really upset at school which only makes it worse because the other kids then use this against him. His Dad and I have made it clear to him that if he is gay that's ok with us. 'You are who you are'. He has told me he is not gay as he has a crush on a girl. He has not gone into puberty yet. He has done some resilience sessions with a psychologist to help him with his sensitivity but it's not really working yet. As he is starting secondary school next year (Co-ed), do any parents out there, have any advice how we can help him stand tall and love himself in the face of such injustice? The school we have chosen has a great name with regard to bullying. But I fear that the 'gay, faggot' name calling will still be a problem for him anywhere he goes. In his adult, mannered world, he is bright, full of confidence and happy. In the playground, where anything goes, he is lonely and hurt and confused. Is there anything else we can do? We're scared our bright, sensitive son, who has a lot to offer the world, is going to carry the scars made by homophobic school kids. We fear the next few years are going to be very hard to get him through school and we don't even know if he is gay or straight.
By the way, this website is great - Through our son, we've had a real insight into the plight of homosexual people and how far we still have to go to accept diversity in our country. | A: This is a difficult situation to be in and one that is not easy to answer in this way. Could you email us direct via the Contact Us link? We may be able to help you on a more one-to-one basis as there is a parent in our group who has more experience in this kind of situation and is happy to talk to you.
Thank-you for your praise of our website; we appreciate the feedback. |
| 28/8/2009 | | Q: My 18 year old son is gay.I am supportive and caring but since the beginning of the year my son has been very public about his sexual orientation. I have asked him to be discrete as he has younger siblings and other relatives that i have not told as yet. I would like to tell them when I think they are ready. My son continually refers to his sexuality on twitter, Myspace etc. He is defining who he is as a person by his sexuality when he is a many other things as well as gay.He takes great pride in being gay and the attention he receives from playing up the gay bit.I would like to normalize the situation as to not make it big deal but a part of everyday life.Any suggestions? | A: Your son may be just doing what many gay people do when they first come out; exercising the freedom he has to be himself instead of hiding his true identity as he was before. This usually settles down after a while but like all young people trying to rebel or stand out, he may want to be an individual on his terms and so at the moment it is by 'flaunting' his sexuality. It may be his way of belonging to a culture or group where he probably hasn't felt he fitted anywhere before since society is geared towards heterosexuals.
It could also be a test of yours and others' acceptance of him and although it seems like he is making a big deal of being gay, he may feel you are making a big deal out of hiding it. Unfortunately when our children come out of the closet, we tend to go into it worrying what our relatives and friends will think. Try talking to your son and explain that although he has had time to get used to being gay, you are still coming to terms with it and you need more time to 'come out' yourself. Reading books like "When our children come out" listed on our Resources page can really help you and your son to understand the process and each others feelings |
| 27/8/2009 | | Q: I'm worried about my 21 year old son, I think he may be gay and unable to deal with it. I feel that he's confused and unhappy and doesn't know where he fits in. He hasn't spoken about this to any of us. i think this is also affecting his work, he works in a very blokey environment and i think he would be too scared to come out there. I think he just doesn't know what to do and i don't know how to help him. I don't want to push him or pry into his life so how do i let him know that we love him and want to help? | | A: This is a difficult situation since he really needs to be ready to come out and shouldn't be forced to do so but on the other hand, if he is becoming depressed or showing signs of stress it is understandable for you to want to help him. Letting him know that you love him unconditionally will help him to realize that no matter how bad his problem seems to him, you are there for him. If you are able to talk to him and let him know that he can tell you anything and he will not be judged or thought less of may encourage him to open up to you. Good luck with this; it is hard to see our children struggling and unhappy and even harder to let them work it out by themselves once they grow up. Please avail yourself of any resources we have on this site as reading them may help you to better cope with your situation. |
| 23/8/2009 | | Q: Our 15 year old son just came out to my husband today that he likes boys and girls. Yesterday, I stumbled upon him in his room with his 14 year old (male )friend. They were in an embrace. I have 2 gay brothers and our best friend is gay, and I have always been open, tolerant and supportive of gay people. But right now, i am teary, emotional and just don't quite know how to process this information. As a mother, i feel very alone, and confused, and protective and such an overwhelming urge to cry. What do i do? Why am I so overwhelmed, when i thought I was so open and tolerant, yet when it is my son, i am not coping? I think I need counselling, do you have anyone to recommend? | | A: It is not about being tolerant but more about how you feel that your own child is gay and what it will mean to you as a family and him in particular. Yours is a fairly normal reaction to the news that your child is gay. After all, as parents, we have dreams and expectations of how our child's life will pan out and when it is suddenly not going to happen it can be difficult to come to terms with. There is also the disturbing thoughts that our child will face a life of discrimination and not have a happy life. All of these emotions can be overwhelming and at PFLAG you will meet many people who have gone through or are still going through what you describe. Are you able to attend our next meeting tomorrow (4th Tuesday of the month) night? We are sure you would gain some help and support through, not only the other parents, but also the publications available to take home and read. You may not want to talk to the group but during supper break might find it helpful to talk to individuals and also browse our library. We don't have a counsellor we can recommend but you can call our hotline number and a parent volunteer will get back to you ASAP to have a talk. Please use the Contact Us email below if you need any further information. |
| 18/8/2009 | | Q: hey im 19 year old and just moved to melbourne from a country town shepparton im in caulield and just wanting to find some friends in here like me (gay) any social groups or clubs or anything friendly like that around my age group would be good if you could suggest anything? | A: Welcome to Melbourne!
Assuming you are a gay male, you could try Young Bucks - see our link to their website by clicking on the yellow Links button. They are a social group for guys aged 16-35 and may be what you are looking for. Have fun! |
| 12/8/2009 | Q: My country-raised gay son is 21 and living in Melbourne, sharing a house with his school mates - all straight, who all went to the city together to study. He is out and totally comfortable in his skin, and his friends are all completely supportive.
I think my son would like to meet like minded young men, but is worried (as am I) about going to gay clubs/venues. He's really very shy and gentle.
Are there social groups that are less predatory until he finds his feet a little? While he has a great social life with his hetero buddies, they really can't take this journey with him.
He lives in the eastern suburbs, but has transport.
Many thanks. | | A: Young Bucks may be a good start for your son. It is a group for young men aged 16 - 35 yrs to meet regularly and socialize and enjoy having fun away from the 'scene'. |
| 9/8/2009 | | Q: Hi. My nearly 17 year old son has just come out to me 10 days ago. I have always thought that he might be gay (but never said it) and tried to be as understanding as possible. My problem is that my son has not yet shared this news with my husband and I am finding it REALLY hard to keep this secret. I am profoundly privileged to think that my boy trusts me so much, and I'm trying to be as supportive as I can. I don't want to push him in any way to tell anyone until he's comfortable - he has only told 3 people. I just feel so proud on one hand that he is able to be true to himself as such a young age, but on the other hand I feel pretty disloyal to my husband - who I'm sure will be okay with this news. I have told my son that too. I have also asked my son if he wants me to tell his dad but he said no. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks | | A: It sounds as though you are handling your son's news really well but it is just that, HIS news, so you need to respect his need for you not to tell your husband just yet. Your son has been courageous to come out to you and has to work up to telling his father since he is unsure of how he will react. Coming out to those you love is a risk for many gay people since they may lose their love and respect and is particularly difficult for boys to come out to their dads since they feel they have let them down in not living up to their expectations of what a man should be. Your son just needs more time however, you can both be prepared by having some information for your husband to read from our Resources page or if you email us direct, we can post out some information to you. It's a really hard to have a big secret like this; now that your son is coming out of the closet you are seemingly going into it but being a support to your son is just what he needs and you have already taken steps in the right direction. |
| 20/7/2009 | Q: Are there anymore support groups in the eastern suburbs?
We are in Cranbourne.
thank you
Nicole | | A: PFLAG Victoria is the only one to cover Melbourne and surrounding suburbs. |
| 12/7/2009 | Q: Hi my names Chris and I am having trouble with my family they don't know that i'm gay and I'm afraid to tell them and now when i talk to them I feel angry and start to yell I'm afraid that they won't accept me for who I am...
They never talk to me about anything and won't ask me if I'm having trouble.
and now I'm slowly alienating them and they don't even notice What can I do? | A: It sounds as though a communication break down is occurring between you and your parents. Both of you are probably too afraid to open up the conversation for fear of what might come out. They may suspect that you are gay but are hoping they are wrong and so won't ask you what's up. And you are afraid to tell them so are alienating yourself from them. It is a shame when this happens but it appears to be a common scenario just before a young person comes out to their parents. It must be so hard for you to be worrying about what they will say or think all the time but you need to start thinking about how you can prepare to tell them. First of all if you can access the information on our site(On our Resources page). Read it yourself as it may help you to formulate the right words to say then maybe you can pass it on to your parents or at least get them to look at it online when you have told them. It will help if you have information to give them so they can understand and a support group they can turn to if they need to talk to someone. Some people find it easier to write down what they want to tell their parents and either leave them a note and come and talk to them later or give them the note and ask them to read it all before saying anything. That way, the emotions and rash and hurtful comments are not said before an explanation is given. You need to make your parents aware of how you have agonized over telling them and how alone you have felt so they realize it is not something you take lightly and is real and important to you.
We wish you well in this endeavour and invite you to call the hotline or email directly if you would like some more support in this. Go to Contact Us for our phone number and email address. |
| 1/6/2009 | | Q: HI,MY NAME IS KATIE . I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT MANAGEMENT OF PFLAG.PLEASE ANSWER.THANK YOU. | A: HI Katie,
PFLAG is managed by a committee elected by its members. If you look at the latest newsletter on the News page of this site, the committee is listed there. We are simply volunteers who meet regularly to manage things and we have regular meetings for all members once a month. |
| 29/5/2009 | | Q: I was wondering what your position is on the issue of gay marriage and is a relationship registry enough? | | A: As parents, family and friends of lesbians and gays we would like our loved ones to have the same rights as everyone else and not to face discrimination in any way. |
| 26/5/2009 | | Q: i m 24 gay.i m not comfortable in my socity and family .what i can do. | | A: Are you uncomfortable because you are gay and haven't come out or have come out and haven't been accepted by your family and friends? If you are leading a double life in order to hide your sexuality from them, it could be very stressful. Coming out, though often a difficult thing to do can bring relief to many gay people since they can be themselves instead of having to hide who they really are for fear of ridicule or non-acceptance. If you live in Melbourne, you may like to come to our next monthly meeting to talk to members of our group about ways you can deal with your situation. You would be most welcome. |
| 25/5/2009 | Q: My brother has just come out to our family that he is Gay. My Mum and my Step Dad (my brothers father) are devastated. How do you make them understand?
My brother also bags gay people and says its disgusting, and they make him sick so we tend to think that this is a stage he's going through. What does that mean? We are all very confused???!!!!!
We love him so much but need to understand things a little more. | | A: Please avail yourself of the publications on our resources page and print out or refer your parents to them also. This may help you and them to understand more about what it is to be gay. It sounds as though your brother is going through a difficult time coming to terms with his own sexuality so maybe he would benefit from reading some of these too. There are also many books available on the subject which you can either buy from a specialist bookstore such as Hares and Hyenas (see our Links page) or borrow from PFLAG when you attend one of our monthly meetings. We welcome you to attend one of our meetings with or without your brother and/or parents to talk to others who have been through similar experiences. We meet on the 4th Tuesday of each month - see our Contact Us page for details. |
| 25/5/2009 | | Q: Response from 37y/old lesbian: Just wanted to thank you for your reply.I have been thinking more about this topic since i wrote it and been speaking to more people and yes i can see it from the point of view that it is definetely more than a lifestyle choice and we are really on the same track. thanks again and i will endevour to come to a meeting. it so great to have an organisation like yours. | | A: We look forward to meeting you. |
| 25/5/2009 | | Q: My brother is blaming our parents for him being Gay saying its genetics. Is this true? | | A: The jury is still out on the actual reason that some people are attracted to those of the same gender. There has been some research that indicates a genetic connection and we often see it 'run in families'. That is, there tends to be a gay uncle, aunt or cousin in the same family as someone else who is gay but we really don't know the answer at this stage. |
| 13/5/2009 | | Q: I am a 37yold lesbian and just wanted to comment on your information about why people have a homosexual preference. I think there is a very unessesarily strong accent on homosexuality not being chosen by a person. this seems a very blanket and one sided statement in the hope of settling parents about there unessessary guilt and shame that thier child is homosexual, and that they may have contributed to this "abnormal" quality in their child. I think more so it is a bit of both -we are naturally gay (as if feels very natural for us) and that we also do have a choice who we fall in love with and the choice of how we want to live our lives and express ourselves. I love that there is so much support for us being seen as just human beings living in the world how we deserve and want to and the fantastic fight to stop prejudice.. but just a little worried that this blanket statement may be sending out the wrong message to new parents going through and adustment. a review of this may be good. just to let you know i am a psychologist as well. thank you for listening. | A: At PFLAG our experience has been that sexuality is very rarely identified as a choice by individuals who are GLBTI. Certainly we all make our own life choices as to who we spend our lives with and what kind of lifestyle we lead, however at PFLAG we believe sexuality is more than a lifestyle choice. This can be seen in relationships where years after marriage one spouse realizes they identify as GLBTI despite the choice they had made to commit to a heterosexual relationship. This is one example in many as to why we support the belief sexuality is not a choice. We would never try and deny others the right to express their views however and if you would like to discuss your experiences and opinions we would be happy to have you along to a meeting!
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| 12/5/2009 | | Q: hi im in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful girl.... but her family is embarrassed to even admit that she is gay. (father brother and mother)I can tell they love her very much. They say they are supportive and would "die for her" yet cannot even openly speak to people about the fact that she is a lesbian. they feel they have to impose behavioural restrictions on us when we go to functions with others to save themselves embarrasement and offense to others. they tolerate her bing gay yet do not accept her for who she is totally yet they cannot understand that. these behavours are hurtful and show how much more they care about public humiliation than their own daughter. any discussion about it obviously brings defensiveness because it is seen as an attack on their values and parental role. they say they cannot understand what the "big deal" is that they have to cover up their daughters sexuality in public instead of standing beside her proud. My parents are very understanding and i have been allowed to be myself fully so this situation is very awkward and disturbing for me to deal with. I feel oppressed and very uncomfortable in their company now. is there any way out of this situation? | | A: Your girlfriend's parents obviously have not really accepted their daughter's sexuality and would prefer to stay 'in the closet' themselves. This is a difficult situation for you when your parents are totally accepting of yours. It is really up to your girlfriend to try to work this out with them and we are happy to provide support to her (and you also) at our regular monthly meetings if you would like to come along. We have a lot of books and other information that she may find useful as well as providing the opportunity to discuss your situation in more depth with others who have possibly gone through similar experiences earlier in their journey to acceptance. |
| 14/4/2009 | | Q: Is it illegal to be in a relationship with a 16yr old and I'm 24? | | A: No, the legal age of consent in Victoria is 16. |
| 3/4/2009 | | Q: Hi, I am a mother of a 17 yr old gay son, I have just recently find out that my son is gay. I love him to death and being gay has not changed that. When do you think it would be ok (if ok) to ask him what it means to him to be gay, as I am aware that sexuality if different for everyone (gay or not). It came as a real shock to find this out. But I know that all will be ok, because he is well supported (always has been in life) by family and friends. Thank you for any advice. | | A: You need to allow him time to come to terms with being gay himself and if you are supportive and have a good relationship with your son he will talk to you about this. You will know when he feels comfortable as he will share more of his life with you. It takes patience on the part of family members but your support and the space you give your son will make it all worthwhile as it will make him realize that you trust him but that you are there for him if he needs you. |
| 2/4/2009 | | Q: Could you please tell me if there are any meeting places in or around Dandenong I am a mother 2 gay males and one gay daughter and would love to express my 100% support. | A: We are not aware of any meeting places in or around Dandenong. You could try calling your local council to see if they know of any. Otherwise if you don't mind the trip once a month, we would love to see you at Toorak for our meetings on the fourth Tuesday of every month except December. Our members come from all around Melbourne.
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| 17/3/2009 | Q: I'm a 27 year old lesbian who has an amazing mother.
She has NEVER shied away from talking to people about who I am and how I live my life.
She defends me against attacks from family and strangers alike and is just generally my hero.
In what ways would she be able to help out in P-Flag??
So many people have suggested she could be of help to other families who don't find it as easy as she has. | A: Congratulations on having such an accepting and supportive mum. Your mother would be very welcome at PFlag meetings if she would like to attend and would be helpful in talking to new parents and family members about her experiences and helping them go through the journey from shock/disbelief/grief/non-acceptance to where she is now. We always need members who are willing to support others in person or by phone and we would love to hear from your mum so she can be a part of that.
Thank-you for offering help on your mother's behalf.
Please ask her to call us on our hotline or email - see the Contact Us link to the left and someone will get back to her to discuss it.
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| 3/3/2009 | | Q: We just found out that our 16 year old nephew is gay. He told his parents who are very supportive. In what ways can we be supportive of our nephew? Is there anything in particular that we can do or say that is helpful or supportive? | A: You have already shown that you are accepting and supportive by looking for answers as to how you can be supportive to your nephew so congratulations!
Read as much material as you can to help you understand what he has been going through and the challenges he faces as a gay person. Just being loving aunts/uncles is a good start and accepting him for who he is. Showing when topics come up in the news that you support gay equality and rights will also make him feel supported. There is some reading material listed in our Resources section and some Acrobat Reader files available to read as well but we have many more resources at our monthly meetings if you are able to attend at some stage. See our Contact Us page for details of when and where our meetings take place. |
| 1/2/2009 | | Q: Is there support groups for parents in Victoria. Where can I find where they are? | A: Assuming you mean regional Victoria since PFLAG Victoria is the Melbourne chapter. There are no actual PFLAG chapters in regional Victoria but there is a support group in Bendigo called Gay Family Support, GV Pride in Shepparton, Mildura has a Gay and Lesbian Support Group and Geelong has the Geelong Adolescent Sexuality Project.
The links for all of these are on our Links page. Click on the Yellow Links button to the left.
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| 10/1/2009 | Q: We have been married for 15 years and my husband has revealed that he has always had feelings towards men but as society is not very accepting, the easiest thing to do was to get married, have a child and hope that all works out. There is noone more important in his life he says other than myself and our 12 year old son. After so many years, it is such a huge shock, one of disbelief, denial, acceptance, understanding, confusion and rollercoaster feelings. Having been nothing other than a close family, spending so much time together, travelling etc, how does one fully try to accept this? Life does go on, there are greater tragedies in life, but how does one move on especially with as little impact as possible on your child who means the world to you?
I felt my world was perfect but to discover this at 37 I just need to know what is the best way to handle this? We do talk about it in depth and but it seems to be a repetitive cycle? I'm a very strong and positive person but this obviously is very hard to deal with at present although I fully understand that sexuality is not a choice with most people. Thank you. | | A: It sounds as though you are dealing with this news very well but, understandably, you are upset by it also. Your perfect world has been shattered by it and naturally it will take quite a bit of time to sort out and come to terms with. At PFLAG we are happy to be an avenue for anyone who is trying to come to terms with the news that they have a gay relative and invite you to come to our meetings if you are able to do so to talk about it in a supportive environment. Otherwise you may like to call our hotline and someone will call you back to allow you to talk about it by phone. |
| 23/12/2008 | | Q: My brother and his partner will be visiting this Christmas. My 7 year old son has met my brother and has gotten along with him in previous years, but he has not met my brother with a partner. My brother is very affectionate, and although I think that he will not be inappropriately affectionate for a 7 year old, I am concerned that my son may be shocked and will not know how to respond. I want to have a talk with my son prior to the arrival of our new family member but am not sure what to say to him. How should I approach the subject in the first place? What makes this especially difficult is that we are Christians. My husband and I have different viewpoints about homosexuality, but we both love my brother and accept him wholeheartedly. We are at odds about what to say to my son on a Christian level, so I want to speak with my son about my brother and his partner on a human level. Can you help? I value your suggestions, and look forward to hearing from you. | A: Congratulations on seeking a solution to a difficult thing to deal with in your family. It is hard to reconcile between your religious beliefs and your love for your brother and indeed, your husband's love for him also.
Unless your son has had anti-gay ideas put into his head from very young, he will probably not have even thought much about the subject. Children as you know, come as a blank slate and it is what we say to them and the things they see and hear elsewhere that start to form their attitudes. Therefore, you can help him develop accepting attitudes to gay people and in particular, his uncle and partner by being matter of fact and accepting in your attitudes.
Tell him that his uncle is coming to visit for Christmas and that he is bringing his boyfriend. He may ask if you meant girlfriend or why he has a boyfriend and you can explain that some boys like girls and some like boys and further, some girls like boys and some like girls. If he asks why you can say that you are not sure but that is just the way it is. Children usually just accept information like that and we know of many children who have been brought up with a gay uncle or brother in their lives from very young who just think it is the norm.
Remember, it will be your attitudes and responses that he will pick up on and learn so you need to show him how much you love and accept your brother the way he is.
Good luck with the visit. I am sure you will all have a lovely time with so much love to give. Happy Christmas! |
| 19/12/2008 | | Q: Hi there, I'm writing on behalf of a friend of mine, who has just told me that he has never told his mates about his Dad's coming out 10 years ago. My friend is 33, and really open minded about a lot of things, sexuality included, but hasn't been able to process the devastating effect of this on himself and his current relationships , his mother (who was married to his Dad for 20 + years, and his two brothers. In my research, I've found COLAGE in the US, but is there anywhere here who can offer him support, advice and guidance as the son of a gay father. | A: You could try Gay Dads Australia I am not sure if they will know of another group for children of gay parents but it may well be worth asking.
You can email them at: gaydadsvic_owner@yahoogroups.com
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| 7/12/2008 | | Q: I think that my 18 year old son is gay. He has been very non communicative about his social life and has just quite suddenly moved out without telling me where he's moved to or who he's living with. I don't know how to broach the subject with him, but want to let him know I support him and love him. Thanks | A: It is a difficult time for you and your son; he needs time to be ready to come out to you but you are obviously worried about him and concerned about why he is shutting you out of his life.
When someone considers coming out to those they love, usually their parents, they are often unsure of the reception they will get, whether they will be rejected and whether they can trust others to keep their secret until they are ready to share the information themselves. Letting your son know you support and love him unconditionally is important right now and also that he feels he can tell you anything without being judged or criticized. He may be working up the courage to tell you his news and his first step has been to move away and come to terms with his sexuality himself before he does so. Be supportive and patient without being tempted to ask lots of questions; simply letting him know that you love him and are there for him will help. Given time he will be ready to talk to you knowing that you love him and support him no matter what. Best of luck! |
| 2/12/2008 | | Q: I was wondering if you could give me some ideas of where to find books/articles of letters to parents from their gay daughter? My family are struggling with my sexuality and I just want to read some examples of what others have written to make their parents better understand. Thanks in advance | A: A really good book that explains a lot is "When our children come out" by Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli. There are many other books you could get also either by coming to one of our meetings and borrowing some from the huge range we have available or buying them. The latter is the expensive alternative but your parents may like a few books of their own to read at first before they feel comfortable to borrow others. The best shop for books related to gays and lesbians is Hares and Hyenas. The link is on our links page so you can go to their online store and purchase or call into the shop and browse at leisure.
don't forget that you can download some articles in our Resources section in PDF format too.
Good luck in finding what you are looking for and helping your parents to understand.
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| 28/11/2008 | | Q: Thank you so much for responding to my question.You have no idea how happy you made me feel.I did not think there was a PFLAG in the Geelong area.However giving me a contact name and phone number is more than than I had hoped for.Once again,thank you so much.To become a member of PFLAG and to help gay rights is something I have always wanted to be involved with, even before I knew my own son was gay.Perhaps that is another question you could answer.How is this possible. How could someone like me possibly help | A: We are happy to help!
As far as what you can do to help gay rights, it depends on what you are prepared to do. As parents of gay children we can help further acceptance by educating our friends and associates about gay issues, following developments in the law on many issues and signing petitions where possible, writing letters to politicians on subjects we feel passionate about to let them know there is support for gay people and their rights.
Further to this, PFLAG members sometimes talk to students in secondary schools to educate them and promote acceptance of sexual diversity.
Good luck with your future pursuits in this area! |
| 25/11/2008 | | Q: I am a mother of a gay son. I have no problems with this at all and accept him for who he is.What I would like to know is there a PFLAG in the Geelong area as I would like to talk to other parents of gay children | A: There is no PFLAG chapter in Geelong but it does have a youth service called GASP (Geelong Adolescent Sexuality Project) which caters for young gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender young people. If you get in touch with them, they may know of a group or perhaps they can refer you to other parents that you can talk to. It is always nice to talk to other parents who are experiencing similar things and that you feel you can speak openly with.
Try calling or emailing Jami Jones on 5272 4977 or jjones@geelongcity.vic.gov.au
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| 24/11/2008 | Q: Hey.
OK, well this is very confusing. I'm 16(male) and well I think I might be Gay or Bisexual, but I don't really feel much attraction physically to females mostly just men.
I have never had a relationship with another guy and even though I have had relationship with females there never really was an attraction. I have been dwelling on this for a few years now and I'm really confused as to my sexuality, I checked out your information just before but it didn't help me much. I feel I may be more gay then anything but I'm still not sure, I have no problem with this if it does turn out this way. At the moment I have revealed that I am bisexual to my sister, but not the possibility of being gay. It's when I know for sure thats really daunting on me, my parents are homosexually friendly, and have even told me and my sister from a very young age that if this did indeed be the case that we could tell them I even have a cousin who is gay and they accept him just fine. But the thought of having to tell my dad that his only son won't carry on his family name is quite scary, I just don't think I could deal with seeing my dad so upset like that. As for mum we'll my sister is openly bisexual and mum has had no problem dealing with that.
So I guess when I get down to it the question is, how do I tell dad really my parents are divorced so mum wouldn't say anything but I don't want to keep that a secret from him. Any help in this process would be greatly appreciated. | A: It sounds like you have a very accepting family to start with so speaking to your father about your sexuality should not be too much of an issue. If he is as informed about gay issues as he sounds then he will know that being a gay male doesn't completely prevent you from becoming a father in some way and although having grandchildren from his only son may have been in his dreams, many people do not end up with grandchildren for many other reasons, including their children choosing not to have children themselves. I am sure your father loves you and will accept you as you are because he wants you to be happy as we all do with our children. If you think it will help, you can get him to call our Helpline or come to a meeting so he can talk to other parents or you may want to do so also. We have many books and videos available for loan at our monthly meetings also that may help him to come to terms with your sexuality. Our next family meeting will not be until the 4th Tuesday in January as we do not have a meeting in December.
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| 14/10/2008 | | Q: Hey, I have been with my girlfriend now for about 1 year. We are very happy except her family doesn't accept me or her because we are a lesbian couple. I understand that they are hurting, but her family has been disrespecting me for a whole year and I'm just getting fed up. First off, she went through a very hard time last year when she was in China; she was raped and of course I was there for her because we were already dating. I knew her for about a year before we actually got together. What am I supposed to do or feel? Her family says that I am playing off of her rape and I am taking advantage of her. I would never do that because I have been in her shoes before. Please tell me something because they are starting to tear us apart and I feel that if we ever break up it will be because of them. | | A: This is a very difficult situation to be in and will take some time to resolve. Your girlfriend needs to try to gain some understanding and acceptance by her parents first before you can deal with their attitude to you. You and your girlfriend need to discuss this and work out how it can be implemented but it sounds like she needs to talk to her parents and provide them with information to enlighten them about what it means to be gay or lesbian. There are a few resources available on our site that you can download for them to read and perhaps they can be encouraged to contact PFLAG to talk to other parents who have been through the same thing. We all feel very overwhelmed and at a loss at first when we hear the news since it is just not what we expected our children to be but with time we learn about it and realize that sexuality is not a choice and as long as our children are happy then it doesn't matter what their sexual preference is. |
| 10/10/2008 | | Q: Hello I have just been told by my married with 2 children son that he's gay please help me to understand. | A: Hi,
You have just had a big shock and it will take some time to come to terms with the news. Although you have just heard this news, your son has been living with the reality of his true sexuality for some time and obviously living a lie which must have been very hard for him.
You have taken the first important step in trying to understand and accept your son's sexuality by asking this question on our site and if you avail yourself of the resources on our site and perhaps when you feel ready come to a family meeting we are sure you will reach the understanding and acceptance you are seeking.
If you would like to talk to someone on the phone in a purely confidential manner then please call our hot line on 9660-3960. Our volunteers will call you back at a time convenient to you to have a chat. We hope to meet you in person but in the meantime, we wish you well. |
| 7/10/2008 | | Q: I have a friend who cant deal with the fact that her mother is gay. She is finding it difficult to talk to anyone because she thinks that no-one could possibly understand how she is feeling. Whats really unhealthy about it all is that she can't even talk to her mother about it. I think she would really find value in talking to people in the same situation in order for her to gain some understanding about it all. So my question is what type of support groups are there out there for families? | | A: You could try contacting the Also Foundation - their link is on our site and they may be able to tell you what is available. |
| 2/10/2008 | | Q: Hello, I'm a 16 year old from Melbourne. I have been having Intercourse with a 21 year old, I don't know if its illegal or not, its not really a serious relationship but i do like the guy very much. | A: When a child is between 10 and 16 – a person is not allowed to have sex with them if they are more than two years older, even with consent, unless they had reason to believe the child was over 16.
A person is not allowed to have sex with a 16-17 year old if they are under their care, supervision or authority, even with consent. Consent is only a defense if they believed the child was 18 or older at the time.
So, as long as you are not under his care or supervision then it is not illegal.
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| 30/8/2008 | | Q: My husband has just told me after 7 years of marriage and 12 years together that he thinks he might be gay. I am in limbo at the moment because he "doesn't know". He has not had any sexual encounters with other men so I don't know how he is supposed to reach a decision one way or the other. He says he loves me but hates himself and know he doesn't want to lose his family (we have a 4 year old daughter) I am trying to be supportive - we are still living together and sharing a bed. As we have only had sex once in almost 5 years nothing is really that different. He has been seeing a counselor who encouraged him to tell me but I have no one to talk to as he has only told me at this stage. I need answers! Could he just be confused...? and not gay after all...? or am I in denial...? | A: It is highly likely that your husband is gay since it is not something anyone would admit to lightly and he may have been able to suppress his attraction to men for a long time due to trying to conform to societal expectations but feels unable to do so any longer.
This must be a very difficult time for you especially if you have no-one to talk to about your situation. I recommend down-loading and reading the PDF file in our Resources section called, "Sexuality is not a Choice" On page 22 begins a short chapter called, 'When your partner comes out' This should give you some guidelines to begin with but you have a long way to go to come to terms with this. Good luck! |
| 28/8/2008 | | Q: I found my son engaged in an internet chat room and asked him about this. He told me he thinks he might be gay. He is 16 years old. What can I do to support him? He seems upset and embarrassed but is open to talking about it. | A: Well, it's great that the lines of communication are open. Most parents who discover their child is gay find the best thing to do is avail themselves of all the information they can about homosexuality by reading books, booklets and information available on the internet as well as talking to others who have been through the same thing. There are a couple of valuable publications available as PDF files in our Resources section of this site. If you are unsure how to access them maybe you and your son can do it together.
You are welcome to call our hotline listed in the Contact Us section or come to our next meeting which is on the 4th Tuesday of each month to talk to other parents of gay children. The phones are not answered 'live' but if you leave a message with information on how and when to contact you one of our volunteers can call you back. It will help your son to know you are trying to understand and learn about what being gay means and open up more dialogue and understanding between you. Good luck with this and please don't hesitate to contact us for more support. |
| 14/8/2008 | | Q: My son aged 17 has been accessing images of naked men for some time now. I am unsure as whether I should bring this up with him. He is in his final year at school. Should I wait until he has finished school? | A: It depends a lot on whether it is a problem for either of you; if he seems unhappy and withdrawn from you or your family then perhaps he would be happier being able to be open with you about his sexuality but sometimes we just have to wait until they are ready to tell us. Please read some of the resources down-loadable as PDF files in our Resources section as they may help you to understand what he is going through and be more prepared when the time comes to talk about it.
If he seems happy enough and is getting on well at school it may be advisable to let him deal with that first and then, when he is ready, he will probably be happy to talk about and deal with his sexuality. |
| 6/8/2008 | | Q: I just find out my brother is gay although I had a feeling he was because of his behavior. Now I am finding it difficult to cope with and put a brave face together in order to help him because being gay seems overwhelming to him as well. This is just the beginning, please help me understand how to help him and also how to help my self? | A: It takes time to come to terms with news such as this and you and your brother will both need time to come deal with it. He is lucky to have a brother who wants to help him and understand such as you. Please look at the resources we have available on our site that you can read to help you understand what being gay is and how best to deal with it.
You may like to call our Hotline where you can leave a message with your name and phone number at any time and one of our volunteers will get back to you discretely at a convenient time so you can talk to someone who has been through a similar experience. Later you may feel that coming to one of our monthly meetings (Click on Contact Us for details) to talk to other family members of gay people, hear their stories and perhaps borrow some of the many books we have available may help you also. We are here to help if you are in the Melbourne area or otherwise the map at the left links to other Australian PFLAG chapters . |
| 25/6/2008 | Q: Hi, I'm a 20 year old bisexual girl from around Melbourne. I'm out to two of my friends and my boyfriend but I'm not out to my family at all and I'm worried about how they're going to feel if/when I do finally come out to them. I haven't had any dating experiences with girls as I've never actually met any other gay girls, so I've been scared to come out to my family because I feel like maybe I shouldn't tell them because maybe I have no reason to..
I don't like flaunting my sexuality so I have only come out to people if the topic has come up. But I really would like to be out to more people..
I'd be really interested in hearing from parents who have had older teenagers or even children in their twenties come out as either gay or bisexual even if their child hadn't had any experience with the same sex, but I don't have the confidence to go to a PFLAG meeting so is there some other way I could hear from some parents?
Also, I'm sort of confused about my current relationship because I still haven't fully explored my sexuality, I don't feel like I can continue my relationship with my boyfriend much longer because I'm scared this lack of experience will have consequences for us later on, but I'm scared that I'll make a mistake by breaking up with him. I think I just really need some guidance, but as I said before, I don't know anyone I can talk to. | | A: There is a group for bisexuals in Victoria that you could make contact with and simply discuss your feelings and how others in your situation dealt with coming out. Bi-Victoria You could also call the Gay and Lesbian Switchboard where you can just discuss your concerns in a totally anonymous way and they can possibly give you names of other people to contact. We hope this helps. |
| 17/6/2008 | Q: Firstly I have two gay uncles and have had gay friends through my life and have no concerns/predjudices regarding homosexuality. I know it isn't a choice, who would choose to be gay given the obvious difficulites it can present during life.
Yesterday our daughter who has just turned fourteen (two weeks ago) told me she thinks she is gay. She has never been attracted to boys finding them all (and I quote) "jerks"! and says that she has crushes on girls and finds girls far more attractive. At this point in time I have talked to her and explained that just because she doesn't find boys her age attractive (they are very silly and immature) and she has crushes on girls doesn't necessarily make her gay. I reassured her that we love and adore her and will always always be there for her no matter what and should this "pan out" and it turn out that she is right and she is in fact a lesbian we will always love and support her. get to the point I hear you say! My question... could she really know at fourteen years old that she is gay? And is there a support group in WA (Perth)? | A: UPDATED: The answer to your question is a definite yes. I think most people know which gender they are interested in and attracted to by the time they reach adolescence. Just as we heterosexuals naturally started looking at the opposite sex with interest, gay adolescents are attracted to those of the same gender.
The Perth PFLAG link is on the left - click on the WA part of the map. |
| 10/5/2008 | | Q: Hello - my wife is gay - we are happily married and trying our hardest to work it out - is there a PLAG chapter in Shepparton? | | A: There is no PFLAG chapter in Shepparton so the closest support to you would probably be Bendigo. Contact Debbie - gayfamilysupport@gmail.com or check out the website for Gay Family Support on our Links page. |
| 25/2/2008 | | Q: My sister-in-law has recently come out to her immediate family (myself included). I also have my own sister who, at 15, came out last year to my family. I have always been fine about people's sexuality, and now I am confronted with my in-laws being homophobic. My mother-in-law is very religious and will not accept her daughter as a lesbian. She won't let anyone other than immediate family know, won't have her daughter's girlfriend at family things, and won't support her relationship at all. My husband and his brother and sister are all supportive of my sister-in-law, and are very happy about her being in a loving relationship. My mother-in-law will not open her mind to different ideas, and is convinced that praying every day for her daughter to become heterosexual is the only way to go. The family is falling apart over this. What do I do? It's so hard. | A: This is indeed a a very difficult situation but not one that is hopeless as we have had many deeply religious relatives of gay and lesbian people who have eventually come to accept their child's sexuality. Often the gay person themself has come along to meetings to talk about their situation and get some support and over time they have made breakthroughs with their parent/s and they have attended also. There is some interesting writing on homosexuality and religion that you and your sister-in-law may find useful to help you in trying to convince your mother-in-law and foster some acceptance. Take a look at this site: Religious Tolerance which has some good arguments against the outdated interpretation of the Bible that many religious people believe condemns homosexuality. There in fact is only one reference to Lesbianism in The Bible and it is not stated as a sin but as a punishment by God. Furthermore, there are many things in the bible that are said to be sins punishable by death that we certainly would not quote or condone in this era such as "cursing or dishonouring one's parents" (Leviticus 20:9)
Armed with some reading of these facts, perhaps your family who you say support your sister-in-law could show some solidarity in standing up for her. Many times, we hear that reluctant parents felt they had no choice but to go with the majority when they were the one on the 'outer' so to speak and once they start to learn more and become more involved are not as frightened of the unknown and realize that gay people are just the same as everyone else. They want to love and be loved, live and let live. |
| 11/2/2008 | | Q: I am writing to you as I am unsure what to do. I am confident my brother is gay. One reason for coming to this assumption is that he has been living a life of secrecy for many years due to, possibly, my fathers open display of distain for homosexuals. My brother has always been angry, secretive and difficult to get along with however I have noticed the past two visits we have had with him, over the past two years, where he’s seemed more interested in our sister and me and my husband and children more than before and in particular (and most importantly) he seems happy. I don’t want to give away too many personal details about his life but I do believe he has met someone and that this person has bought profound joy to his life. My concern is that he has recently moved address and is refusing to let anyone know where he lives. I am afraid that this is because he is petrified someone will uncover his secret. I am afraid our father is going to continue to drive my brother into more of a life of secrecy and we will lose touch with him all together. I love my brother very much and desperately want him to be part of my family’s life as does my husband and our children adore him. We would welcome him and his partner (if he has one)with open arms into our lives but I am afraid he will never let us in. I don’t know what to do or how to approach him? I understand that coming out may be a huge step for him and am sensitive of that, I just want to be here for him but don’t know what to do or how to approach it. Our father has mentioned that my brother may be gay and said he would need help with 'coping' with this but that he would accept him. I don't know whether to tell him that I think he may be gay and to leave him alone?....so many questions, I am very lost. Please help me. | A: It is wonderful to hear how much you love and care about your brother and it is understandable to want to include him fully in your lives. I am sure that he too would like this but his fear of rejection is strong so he remains in his secret existence.
Our experience has been that writing what you feel to the person you want to talk to is the best way to start. A heart felt letter (email if you know his email address) telling him that you love him no matter what and explaining that your father has expressed the same despite having little understanding or tolerance for homosexuality in the past. I am sure this would mean a great deal to your brother and, in time he may talk to you about his life and feel safe to include his family in it.
Perhaps, once your brother has confirmed his sexuality, you and your father would like to come to a meeting where you can meet other people who have been down this road. Your brother may even join you when he is ready. Remember, the important message to give him is that you love and accept him and he will not be judged. He will appreciate that you have taken the time to find out about being gay and seek advice and given time will feel able to talk to family more also.
Please avail yourself of the resources on this site and share them with your father to help further his understanding. Good luck! |
| 7/2/2008 | | Q: I have a 17 year old son who has grown up all his life with no friends and no social life. He has been talking on MSN with a 15 year old boy from his school and this boy has revealed to my son that he has feelings for him. My son last night asked me the question 'What would you say if I told you I thought I might be gay". I was shocked. After talking to him he seems confused and I am not sure if he is confusing friendship with something else as I know he is very very lonely and sometimes anthing is better than nothing. I'm not sure how to approach this, I have a friend who has contacts with counsellors, should I go see somewhere to learn how to deal with and what to do. I am at a loss as I don't know the next step to take. I want to support my son and I realise by him bringing this up would have been a huge step for him. I have been divorced from his dad for about 8 years and I know he would be afraid to bring this up with his father at this time. He is confused and unsure and also a very lonely boy. Any advice as to how to deal with this situation would be appreciated. | A: First of all, try downloading and reading some of our resources such as, Making Sense and Sexuality is Not a Choice These will help both you and your son to gain some understanding of sexuality in general and then from there you may be able to relate it to your son's situation. Only he will truly know how he feels about girls and boys and if he is happy to discuss it with you then you will surely come to a conclusion one way or another.
We would also be happy to talk to you in person; if you call our hotline and leave a message with your phone number, one of our parent volunteers will call you back as soon as they can. We are only parents like you who have a gay child among our other heterosexual children and can only advise you related to our experiences and from our knowledge gained at our regular family meetings where we speak with many people who are trying to make sense of the news that their child is gay.
If you then feel you would like to meet others and have a friendly chat about your situation, we would love to see you both at one of our monthly meetings. |
| 6/2/2008 | | Q: My son's turmoil marriage has just dissolved but as well as his wife having problems and putting our son through a great deal we have also found he is now gay. How can that be after marriage and three kids? And is it possible not to know yourself if you are or aren't? It must have been so confusing for him. | A: Coming to terms with being gay in a world that expects everyone to follow a certain path in their life; usually marriage and chidren, is a difficult thing. There are many prejudices and attitudes we come across in our lives as we grow up so that if we had an inkling that we were same sex attracted, many people choose to try to ignore it and follow the path expected of them as it seems safest and less likely to create a situation in which we may lose the love of our families and friends.
Your son may be one of those among many other gay people but in the end, we are what we are and so many people find they have to be true to themselves and live the life they really feel comfortable and happy with.
It would have been very hard for him to live a lie like that for so many years and it is very brave of him to now come out and face the consequences of his actions especially fearing the loss of love and support from those closest to him. It sounds as though he has understanding parents who want to understand what he has been through by looking up this website so he will have support and you will be able to work through this huge change in your lives together.
Please come to a meeting to talk through this further or just meet others who have gone through similar experiences and have a cuppa and a chat. We would love to see you there!
Look at the Contact Us link on the left for meeting details. |
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