Questions & Answers
Answered Questions:
| 30/8/2008 | | Q: My husband has just told me after 7 years of marriage and 12 years together that he thinks he might be gay. I am in limbo at the moment because he "doesn't know". He has not had any sexual encounters with other men so I don't know how he is supposed to reach a decision one way or the other. He says he loves me but hates himself and know he doesn't want to lose his family (we have a 4 year old daughter) I am trying to be supportive - we are still living together and sharing a bed. As we have only had sex once in almost 5 years nothing is really that different. He has been seeing a counselor who encouraged him to tell me but I have no one to talk to as he has only told me at this stage. I need answers! Could he just be confused...? and not gay after all...? or am I in denial...? | A: It is highly likely that your husband is gay since it is not something anyone would admit to lightly and he may have been able to suppress his attraction to men for a long time due to trying to conform to societal expectations but feels unable to do so any longer.
This must be a very difficult time for you especially if you have no-one to talk to about your situation. I recommend down-loading and reading the PDF file in our Resources section called, "Sexuality is not a Choice" On page 22 begins a short chapter called, 'When your partner comes out' This should give you some guidelines to begin with but you have a long way to go to come to terms with this. Good luck! |
| 28/8/2008 | | Q: I found my son engaged in an internet chat room and asked him about this. He told me he thinks he might be gay. He is 16 years old. What can I do to support him? He seems upset and embarrassed but is open to talking about it. | A: Well, it's great that the lines of communication are open. Most parents who discover their child is gay find the best thing to do is avail themselves of all the information they can about homosexuality by reading books, booklets and information available on the internet as well as talking to others who have been through the same thing. There are a couple of valuable publications available as PDF files in our Resources section of this site. If you are unsure how to access them maybe you and your son can do it together.
You are welcome to call our hotline listed in the Contact Us section or come to our next meeting which is on the 4th Tuesday of each month to talk to other parents of gay children. The phones are not answered 'live' but if you leave a message with information on how and when to contact you one of our volunteers can call you back. It will help your son to know you are trying to understand and learn about what being gay means and open up more dialogue and understanding between you. Good luck with this and please don't hesitate to contact us for more support. |
| 14/8/2008 | | Q: My son aged 17 has been accessing images of naked men for some time now. I am unsure as whether I should bring this up with him. He is in his final year at school. Should I wait until he has finished school? | A: It depends a lot on whether it is a problem for either of you; if he seems unhappy and withdrawn from you or your family then perhaps he would be happier being able to be open with you about his sexuality but sometimes we just have to wait until they are ready to tell us. Please read some of the resources down-loadable as PDF files in our Resources section as they may help you to understand what he is going through and be more prepared when the time comes to talk about it.
If he seems happy enough and is getting on well at school it may be advisable to let him deal with that first and then, when he is ready, he will probably be happy to talk about and deal with his sexuality. |
| 6/8/2008 | | Q: I just find out my brother is gay although I had a feeling he was because of his behavior. Now I am finding it difficult to cope with and put a brave face together in order to help him because being gay seems overwhelming to him as well. This is just the beginning, please help me understand how to help him and also how to help my self? | A: It takes time to come to terms with news such as this and you and your brother will both need time to come deal with it. He is lucky to have a brother who wants to help him and understand such as you. Please look at the resources we have available on our site that you can read to help you understand what being gay is and how best to deal with it.
You may like to call our Hotline where you can leave a message with your name and phone number at any time and one of our volunteers will get back to you discretely at a convenient time so you can talk to someone who has been through a similar experience. Later you may feel that coming to one of our monthly meetings (Click on Contact Us for details) to talk to other family members of gay people, hear their stories and perhaps borrow some of the many books we have available may help you also. We are here to help if you are in the Melbourne area or otherwise the map at the left links to other Australian PFLAG chapters . |
| 25/6/2008 | Q: Hi, I'm a 20 year old bisexual girl from around Melbourne. I'm out to two of my friends and my boyfriend but I'm not out to my family at all and I'm worried about how they're going to feel if/when I do finally come out to them. I haven't had any dating experiences with girls as I've never actually met any other gay girls, so I've been scared to come out to my family because I feel like maybe I shouldn't tell them because maybe I have no reason to..
I don't like flaunting my sexuality so I have only come out to people if the topic has come up. But I really would like to be out to more people..
I'd be really interested in hearing from parents who have had older teenagers or even children in their twenties come out as either gay or bisexual even if their child hadn't had any experience with the same sex, but I don't have the confidence to go to a PFLAG meeting so is there some other way I could hear from some parents?
Also, I'm sort of confused about my current relationship because I still haven't fully explored my sexuality, I don't feel like I can continue my relationship with my boyfriend much longer because I'm scared this lack of experience will have consequences for us later on, but I'm scared that I'll make a mistake by breaking up with him. I think I just really need some guidance, but as I said before, I don't know anyone I can talk to. | | A: There is a group for bisexuals in Victoria that you could make contact with and simply discuss your feelings and how others in your situation dealt with coming out. Bi-Victoria You could also call the Gay and Lesbian Switchboard where you can just discuss your concerns in a totally anonymous way and they can possibly give you names of other people to contact. We hope this helps. |
| 17/6/2008 | Q: Firstly I have two gay uncles and have had gay friends through my life and have no concerns/predjudices regarding homosexuality. I know it isn't a choice, who would choose to be gay given the obvious difficulites it can present during life.
Yesterday our daughter who has just turned fourteen (two weeks ago) told me she thinks she is gay. She has never been attracted to boys finding them all (and I quote) "jerks"! and says that she has crushes on girls and finds girls far more attractive. At this point in time I have talked to her and explained that just because she doesn't find boys her age attractive (they are very silly and immature) and she has crushes on girls doesn't necessarily make her gay. I reassured her that we love and adore her and will always always be there for her no matter what and should this "pan out" and it turn out that she is right and she is in fact a lesbian we will always love and support her. get to the point I hear you say! My question... could she really know at fourteen years old that she is gay? And is there a support group in WA (Perth)? | A: UPDATED: The answer to your question is a definite yes. I think most people know which gender they are interested in and attracted to by the time they reach adolescence. Just as we heterosexuals naturally started looking at the opposite sex with interest, gay adolescents are attracted to those of the same gender.
The Perth PFLAG link is on the left - click on the WA part of the map. |
| 10/5/2008 | | Q: Hello - my wife is gay - we are happily married and trying our hardest to work it out - is there a PLAG chapter in Shepparton? | | A: There is no PFLAG chapter in Shepparton so the closest support to you would probably be Bendigo. Contact Debbie - gayfamilysupport@gmail.com or check out the website for Gay Family Support on our Links page. |
| 25/2/2008 | | Q: My sister-in-law has recently come out to her immediate family (myself included). I also have my own sister who, at 15, came out last year to my family. I have always been fine about people's sexuality, and now I am confronted with my in-laws being homophobic. My mother-in-law is very religious and will not accept her daughter as a lesbian. She won't let anyone other than immediate family know, won't have her daughter's girlfriend at family things, and won't support her relationship at all. My husband and his brother and sister are all supportive of my sister-in-law, and are very happy about her being in a loving relationship. My mother-in-law will not open her mind to different ideas, and is convinced that praying every day for her daughter to become heterosexual is the only way to go. The family is falling apart over this. What do I do? It's so hard. | A: This is indeed a a very difficult situation but not one that is hopeless as we have had many deeply religious relatives of gay and lesbian people who have eventually come to accept their child's sexuality. Often the gay person themself has come along to meetings to talk about their situation and get some support and over time they have made breakthroughs with their parent/s and they have attended also. There is some interesting writing on homosexuality and religion that you and your sister-in-law may find useful to help you in trying to convince your mother-in-law and foster some acceptance. Take a look at this site: Religious Tolerance which has some good arguments against the outdated interpretation of the Bible that many religious people believe condemns homosexuality. There in fact is only one reference to Lesbianism in The Bible and it is not stated as a sin but as a punishment by God. Furthermore, there are many things in the bible that are said to be sins punishable by death that we certainly would not quote or condone in this era such as "cursing or dishonouring one's parents" (Leviticus 20:9)
Armed with some reading of these facts, perhaps your family who you say support your sister-in-law could show some solidarity in standing up for her. Many times, we hear that reluctant parents felt they had no choice but to go with the majority when they were the one on the 'outer' so to speak and once they start to learn more and become more involved are not as frightened of the unknown and realize that gay people are just the same as everyone else. They want to love and be loved, live and let live. |
| 11/2/2008 | | Q: I am writing to you as I am unsure what to do. I am confident my brother is gay. One reason for coming to this assumption is that he has been living a life of secrecy for many years due to, possibly, my fathers open display of distain for homosexuals. My brother has always been angry, secretive and difficult to get along with however I have noticed the past two visits we have had with him, over the past two years, where he’s seemed more interested in our sister and me and my husband and children more than before and in particular (and most importantly) he seems happy. I don’t want to give away too many personal details about his life but I do believe he has met someone and that this person has bought profound joy to his life. My concern is that he has recently moved address and is refusing to let anyone know where he lives. I am afraid that this is because he is petrified someone will uncover his secret. I am afraid our father is going to continue to drive my brother into more of a life of secrecy and we will lose touch with him all together. I love my brother very much and desperately want him to be part of my family’s life as does my husband and our children adore him. We would welcome him and his partner (if he has one)with open arms into our lives but I am afraid he will never let us in. I don’t know what to do or how to approach him? I understand that coming out may be a huge step for him and am sensitive of that, I just want to be here for him but don’t know what to do or how to approach it. Our father has mentioned that my brother may be gay and said he would need help with 'coping' with this but that he would accept him. I don't know whether to tell him that I think he may be gay and to leave him alone?....so many questions, I am very lost. Please help me. | A: It is wonderful to hear how much you love and care about your brother and it is understandable to want to include him fully in your lives. I am sure that he too would like this but his fear of rejection is strong so he remains in his secret existence.
Our experience has been that writing what you feel to the person you want to talk to is the best way to start. A heart felt letter (email if you know his email address) telling him that you love him no matter what and explaining that your father has expressed the same despite having little understanding or tolerance for homosexuality in the past. I am sure this would mean a great deal to your brother and, in time he may talk to you about his life and feel safe to include his family in it.
Perhaps, once your brother has confirmed his sexuality, you and your father would like to come to a meeting where you can meet other people who have been down this road. Your brother may even join you when he is ready. Remember, the important message to give him is that you love and accept him and he will not be judged. He will appreciate that you have taken the time to find out about being gay and seek advice and given time will feel able to talk to family more also.
Please avail yourself of the resources on this site and share them with your father to help further his understanding. Good luck! |
| 7/2/2008 | | Q: I have a 17 year old son who has grown up all his life with no friends and no social life. He has been talking on MSN with a 15 year old boy from his school and this boy has revealed to my son that he has feelings for him. My son last night asked me the question 'What would you say if I told you I thought I might be gay". I was shocked. After talking to him he seems confused and I am not sure if he is confusing friendship with something else as I know he is very very lonely and sometimes anthing is better than nothing. I'm not sure how to approach this, I have a friend who has contacts with counsellors, should I go see somewhere to learn how to deal with and what to do. I am at a loss as I don't know the next step to take. I want to support my son and I realise by him bringing this up would have been a huge step for him. I have been divorced from his dad for about 8 years and I know he would be afraid to bring this up with his father at this time. He is confused and unsure and also a very lonely boy. Any advice as to how to deal with this situation would be appreciated. | A: First of all, try downloading and reading some of our resources such as, Making Sense and Sexuality is Not a Choice These will help both you and your son to gain some understanding of sexuality in general and then from there you may be able to relate it to your son's situation. Only he will truly know how he feels about girls and boys and if he is happy to discuss it with you then you will surely come to a conclusion one way or another.
We would also be happy to talk to you in person; if you call our hotline and leave a message with your phone number, one of our parent volunteers will call you back as soon as they can. We are only parents like you who have a gay child among our other heterosexual children and can only advise you related to our experiences and from our knowledge gained at our regular family meetings where we speak with many people who are trying to make sense of the news that their child is gay.
If you then feel you would like to meet others and have a friendly chat about your situation, we would love to see you both at one of our monthly meetings. |
| 6/2/2008 | | Q: My son's turmoil marriage has just dissolved but as well as his wife having problems and putting our son through a great deal we have also found he is now gay. How can that be after marriage and three kids? And is it possible not to know yourself if you are or aren't? It must have been so confusing for him. | A: Coming to terms with being gay in a world that expects everyone to follow a certain path in their life; usually marriage and chidren, is a difficult thing. There are many prejudices and attitudes we come across in our lives as we grow up so that if we had an inkling that we were same sex attracted, many people choose to try to ignore it and follow the path expected of them as it seems safest and less likely to create a situation in which we may lose the love of our families and friends.
Your son may be one of those among many other gay people but in the end, we are what we are and so many people find they have to be true to themselves and live the life they really feel comfortable and happy with.
It would have been very hard for him to live a lie like that for so many years and it is very brave of him to now come out and face the consequences of his actions especially fearing the loss of love and support from those closest to him. It sounds as though he has understanding parents who want to understand what he has been through by looking up this website so he will have support and you will be able to work through this huge change in your lives together.
Please come to a meeting to talk through this further or just meet others who have gone through similar experiences and have a cuppa and a chat. We would love to see you there!
Look at the Contact Us link on the left for meeting details. |
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